As the first month of a new year comes to an end…I want to take a moment to reflect on and share my journey of 2018.
Alongside becoming a Certified Life Coach, publishing my second book, Unapologetic, on Amazon and literally traveling the world (I will share all about those in future blog posts) I had A LOT going on in my personal life…and that is the tea I’ll be spilling!
So many of you have asked me what happened with my last relationship (and I can’t blame you because I was public with it on social media) and I want to truly thank everyone for respecting my privacy. I hadn’t opened up about this because like most people, I needed time to process, but I want others to be able to learn anything they can through my experience, develop the courage they may need and hopefully avoid making the same mistakes.
Last year was a landmark, a growing pain, a turning point (literally, I turned 30). It also marked my 5th consecutive year living in Los Angeles, and to top it off I was dating a man who wanted to marry me and the plan was to get engaged that year. Finally, my days of dating were OVER, but such is life, not all goes according to plan.
First and foremost, when they say timing is everything that’s the real truth and I want that to sink in. It has very little to do with soul-mates, people connecting and how they “make it work”, it’s all about timing and ultimately being true to yourself at the place you currently are in life.
When it comes to my last relationship, due to unfortunate and unchangeable circumstances, I knew it wasn’t the right timing for either of us and I attempted to end it on multiple occasions, which left him in tears, devastated and pleading with me to stay…every single time.
He would tell me over and over I was just scared or that I was giving up on us too easily….and so I stayed. The whole thing killed me inside. He loved me more than he’d ever loved anyone and more than I had ever been loved. He told me I taught him what true love looks like and what true pain feels like. He told me in the past, before we were even officially together (we’d known each other since high school), he would wake up, not even knowing where in the world I was, and his heart just missed me. He told me he was in love with me throughout all his past relationships and that he always knew I was “the one” for him. And that’s the type of guy you should want to be with, am I right? The one that’s infatuated with you and you know would never ever hurt you in a million years! A handsome and incredibly good guy. I’d be a fool not to accept a man who loved me this much; at least that’s what I told myself over and over.
However, my future and my personal journey with him meant I’d have to leave LA and move back to Pennsylvania – a cold, slower-paced town – where I have some roots, but no desire to live. Last Christmas when I went to go get my wedding-ring finger sized (for an engagement ring) I literally felt like I was going to vomit and still to this day can’t remember what the jeweler even told me it was. I tried to ignore it and blame it on nerves, or listen to him that I was just scared. I reasoned with myself over and over that this was the next step in life and that it was time to grow up, but I couldn’t hide the voice inside, my intuition, making me physically ill to my stomach and screaming at me to stop!
Time passed into the year and I knew it had to be over, and so it was.
The hard truth is, unfortunately sometimes you have to break someone’s heart, or even your own, in order to be true to yourself…
Being with him would have meant sacrificing my current life in LA, my career and my overall state of happiness to start all over and quite honestly I came to terms that his happiness just wasn’t worth sacrificing my own. Our current lives did not coincide and it was not his fault nor mine.
Did I love him? Yes of course, but I loved myself more. It was the hardest break up I’ve ever dealt with, but in turn I realized how strong I was, who I was, what I should expect out of any man and relationship…and most importantly (the hardest part to admit) I realized that I had been fighting to stay with him because I wanted to “win” and by breaking up I would have “lost”. By “winning” I mean having a successful relationship, showing all of our supporters (and even our naysayers because trust me we had some of those, wanting us to fail) that we had made it, despite all odds we were able to overcome, and that we had the true fairytale love story. However, when I took a deep breath and two steps back, I saw I would be ultimately “losing” if I made the decision to stay with this person at this point in time. This is extremely hard to admit, but it’s the raw truth. I had to come to the self-realization internally that I had already won because I had learned the biggest lesson of my adult life, and that staying to “win” the approval of others is the WORST reason to be in a relationship.
So many times we, as people, succumb to what we think we’re supposed to do, what others think we’re supposed to do, what looks good on the outside. We sacrifice who we really are and our happiness to fulfill a time table or an expectation society has set for us that we didn’t even agree to. I want to FINALLY give credit to myself for being strong enough to walk away and I want to truly thank him even more for understanding and for finally letting me…
Hearts were broken and I am truly sorry for that, as it was never my intention. Had it been different circumstances and timing I honestly think it might have worked. With that being said, I stand my ground that we should never feel pressured to do something that doesn’t feel right and honestly if it seems like it’s more stress and upset than it’s worth, well then it probably isn’t worth fighting for. Listen to your intuition.
Sometimes choosing to walk away is the MOST DIFFICULT yet overall the most rewarding decision you can make.
I wrote this post, not to put him or myself “on blast”, but in hopes it reaches everyone it is supposed to. Everyone who has, or is currently fighting the good fight in this situation. No matter which side of the relationship battle you are on, the one fighting to leave or the one fighting to stay, you’re never alone – do what feels right. Always stay true to yourself and always, always, always do what resonates with you.
Cheers to an AMAZING year of love, growth and success in 2019! xx